[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
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I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly