If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
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I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.