Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
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Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
The French cow says MEUX…
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?