robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
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Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Day 2 of my diet
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Um … Hot Wings please
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.