[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
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Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Webb. James Webb.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a