ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
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Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside