Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
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I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her