home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
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I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
A leaf blower, but for people.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
The only equipped I am is ill.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Feels
what do you want!!!!!!!!
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Just how popey was the pope today?
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.