i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
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Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*