My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
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me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.