I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
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[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*