Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
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8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
crazy
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?