I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
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Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY