Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
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I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
SCARY COSTUME
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
The “baby” on the left….
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.