A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
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*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Donkey Kong sommelier
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌