Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
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if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
*me flirting
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!