CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
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*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.