“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
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My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
These aliens are taking forever.
Put a ring on it
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.