There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
You Might Also Like
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
birds and squirrels envy us
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment