Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
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Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️