I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
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How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
The French cow says MEUX…
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.