Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
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Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never