I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
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My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s