[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
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Gemma Correll
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road