A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
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GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Cake!!
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions