Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
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I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
#math
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
The human body is 70% water and 30% land