My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
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me working on my assignments ^-^
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
I am HOWLING at this
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.