If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
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Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
#NeverForget
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*