Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
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Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
The old gods are rising again.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos