I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
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friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.