I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
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I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.