Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
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I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Me driving through Toronto
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!