Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
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Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely