I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
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My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.