Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
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The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?