Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
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[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie