beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
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Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Awesome parenting 😂
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.