The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
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Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.