Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”