My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
You Might Also Like
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know