“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
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Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Steam Forums
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.