Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
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My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.