*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
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I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”