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Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
thanksgiving in nutshell