Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
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[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped