Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
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Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
December birthdays be like…
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain