*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
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This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.