Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
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McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes