ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
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Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
What?
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.