HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
You Might Also Like
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha